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  #21  
Old 05-18-2006, 12:55 AM
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  #22  
Old 05-22-2006, 08:19 PM
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  #23  
Old 05-23-2006, 11:07 PM
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  #24  
Old 05-29-2006, 01:51 AM
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Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

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Redneck Baby

You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

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Our Four Sons

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, ?I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.? The next guy said, ?I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.? The third guy says, ?I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.?
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, ?What are you guys talking about?'
?Just about how good our sons are doing,? the three men replied. ?Well, my son is doing very well,? says the fourth man, ?He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.?

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Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

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Priest's First Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the #OOPS# out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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  #25  
Old 06-08-2006, 12:38 AM
Flipper Flipper is offline
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A mother and her son were flying Delta from Indianapolis to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. So the stewardess said, "Go tell your mother that Delta always pulls out on time."
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  #26  
Old 06-08-2006, 12:45 AM
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CIA Test
>
>
>After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
>there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
>For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal

>door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
>instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you
>will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!".
>
>The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
>agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife

>and go home."
>
>The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and
>went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
>came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
>
>Finally,it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
>to kill her husband.
>She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
>after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
>
>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
>stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
>"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat himto death

>with the chair."
>
>Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
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  #27  
Old 06-10-2006, 09:38 PM
ShadowCat ShadowCat is offline
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Here's some I got in E-Mail today...

Marriage - Part I

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************** *****************************

Marriage (Part II)

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
************************************************** *****************************

Marriage (Part III)

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
************************************************** *****************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
************************************************** *****************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
************************************************** *****************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
  #28  
Old 06-10-2006, 11:01 PM
Shalia Shalia is offline
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Lmao. The Father of Four one cracks me up. :P
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  #29  
Old 06-11-2006, 04:42 PM
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[size=medium]Congressman's Money [/size]

[size=medium]A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." [/size][size=medium]The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I am a congressman!" [/size][size=medium]The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!" [/size]

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[size=medium]Rabid Dogs are Useful [/size]

[size=medium]One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. [/size][size=medium]Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. ?My wife,? the man replied. [/size][size=medium]?I'm sorry,? said Bill, ?what happened to her?? [/size][size=medium]?My dog bit her and she died.? Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, ?My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.?[/size][size=medium]Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, ?Can I borrow your dog?? [/size][size=medium]To which the man replied, ?Get in line.? [/size]

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[size=medium]Name That Animal, Kids [/size]

[size=medium]Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" [/size][size=medium]"A cat!" said Suzy.[/size][size=medium]"Good job! Now, what's this animal?" [/size][size=medium]"A dog!" said Ricky. [/size][size=medium]"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. [/size][size=medium]The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." [/size][size=medium]"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.[/size]

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[size=medium]Latex Gloves [/size]

[size=medium]A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms. [/size]
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  #30  
Old 06-17-2006, 05:27 PM
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[size=large]Who Is Listening[/size]

[size=medium]During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears. [/size]
[size=medium]During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears. [/size]
[size=medium]During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.[/size]

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[size=large]Getting Herpes[/size]

[size=medium]A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string. [/size]
[size=medium]He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.[/size]
[size=medium]"Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy. [/size]
[size=medium]"Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam. [/size]
[size=medium]The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand. [/size]
[size=medium]"And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy.[/size]
[size=medium]"Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean."[/size]
[size=medium]The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.[/size]
[size=medium]"One dirty girl, coming up," she says. [/size]
[size=medium]The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"[/size]
[size=medium]The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna ***** her and SHE'S going to get the herpes. [/size]
[size=medium]Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and ***** her and HE'S going to get the herpes. [/size]
[size=medium]Then when my dad gets home, he's going to ***** my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes. [/size]
[size=medium]Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and ***** my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY ***** FROG!"[/size]

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[size=large]On The Balcony[/size]

[size=medium]Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.[/size]
[size=medium]To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. [/size]
[size=medium]"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. [/size]
[size=medium]"An ambulance just drove by." [/size]
[size=medium]A few moments passed.[/size]
[size=medium]"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.[/size]
[size=medium]"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie." [/size]
[size=medium]Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. [/size]
[size=medium]"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.[/size]

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[size=large]Making A Puppy[/size]

[size=medium]A father was walking with his young son in the park when they came upon two dogs having sex. The boy asked his dad what the dogs were doing. He said that they were making a puppy. [/size]
[size=medium]A couple of days later the boy walked in on his parents who were having sex on the couch. He asked his father what they were doing. He said that they were making a baby. [/size]
[size=medium]The boy replied, "Can you turn Mummy over? I'd much rather have a puppy." [/size]

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[size=large]Blonde Bar[/size]

[size=medium]A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"[/size]
[size=medium]The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: [/size]
[size=medium]1. The bartender is a blonde girl.[/size]
[size=medium]2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. [/size]
[size=medium]3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate. [/size]
[size=medium]4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a proffesional weightlifter. [/size]
[size=medium]5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a proffessional wrestler.[/size]
[size=medium]Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" [/size]
[size=medium]The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".[/size]
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