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  #11  
Old 08-31-2006, 01:25 AM
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Flame Flame is offline
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Default Re: New Jokes

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

---------------------------------------------------------

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

---------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

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Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

---------------------------------------------------------

Q. How come Mike Tyson?s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

---------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

---------------------------------------------------------
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Venit et Flamma sentio ...
  #12  
Old 08-31-2006, 01:25 AM
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Default Re: New Jokes

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!


You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, #OOPS#head?"

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You go to your family reunion to meet women.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".

You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.

Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.

You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.

You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
__________________

Venit et Flamma sentio ...
  #13  
Old 09-30-2006, 05:06 PM
Flipper Flipper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 363
Default Re: New Jokes

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
>
>
>
> "Yes."
>
>
>
> "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
>
> He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
>
>
>
> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
>
>
>
> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
>
> house.
>
>
>
> They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
>
>
>
> Using axes, they bust open
>
> every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at
>
> Virgil and leave.
>
>
>
> The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is
>
> Floyd.
>
> Did the Sheriff come?"
>
>
>
> "Yeah!"
>
>
>
> "Did they chop your firewood?"
>
>
>
> "Yep."
>
>
>
> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
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  #14  
Old 12-14-2006, 04:38 AM
Elric Elric is offline
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Posts: 33
Default Re: New Jokes

Whats the difference between a hooker and a drugdealer?
the hooker can wash her crack and sell it again..

Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a dumpster?
1 dead baby in 10 dumpsters...

whats the differencs between 10 dead babies and a porsche?
I dun have a porsche in my garage..

Why is Dallas Stadium have Astroturf?
to keep the cheerleaders from grazing...

what did the woman say to michael jackson at the beach?
Excuse me ur in my son/sun...

How do you know its bedtime at Neverland ranch?
when the big hand touches the lil hand..

What do Wal-mart and Michael jackson have in common?
they both have lil boys pants half-off...

Why did Michael jacksons doc make him quit the cub-scouts?
he was up to a pack a day...

**more when i feel like typing them out**
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  #15  
Old 12-16-2006, 04:42 AM
Elric Elric is offline
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Posts: 33
Default More

A Kentucky couple with 9 children,went to the doctor to see about
getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what
finally made them make the decision why after nine children, would they
choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out
of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and
they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because
neither of them could speak Spanish.
__________________

\"Soboj ostat\'sja dol\'she.\"
  #16  
Old 12-16-2006, 04:48 AM
Elric Elric is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 33
Default Re: More

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders..... 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!


1. Don't change horses......................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ............. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty.
7. No news ..................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ..... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ....... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ........... pigs.
13. An idle mind is ............... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...... pollution.
15. Happy the bride who .................. gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .......................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .................. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ........... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ............. get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you ......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ...... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than ..........................pregnant
__________________

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  #17  
Old 12-27-2006, 04:49 PM
Tristan Tristan is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 14
Default Re: More

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
  #18  
Old 12-27-2006, 04:53 PM
Tristan Tristan is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 14
Default Re: More

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
  #19  
Old 12-27-2006, 04:55 PM
Tristan Tristan is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 14
Default Re: More

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
  #20  
Old 12-27-2006, 04:57 PM
Tristan Tristan is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 14
Default Re: More

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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